I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize