Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol