from now on my penis is your penis
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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