if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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