i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.