Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.