What should our trivia night team be named?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.