He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in