can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.