Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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