I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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