My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
