Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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