When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize