I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
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We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
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Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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