i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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