If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
