I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
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in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
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Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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