he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
