I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
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we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
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Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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