fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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