So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
