Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
