I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
