haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper