I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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