So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Randomize
