oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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