I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
