How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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