fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
