i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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