I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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