i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
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