I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
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Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
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I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink