I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
