you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize