The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
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Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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