my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize