so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
