Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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