Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
