my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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