Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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