dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
