Little spoons don't ask big questions
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.