If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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