I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
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Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
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I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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