I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
