im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?