I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.