So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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