Please don't use social media to get back at me.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
