Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If I die, sorry about rent.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
